What keeps Dracula’s wife awake?
His coffin. ⚰️
Welcome to Tom's Shit Jokes, home of jokes so bad they're good. We've been collecting the world's best worst jokes since 2013: terrible dad jokes, bad puns, groan-worthy one-liners, pub jokes and the occasional joke that really is just shit. Browse more than 371 jokes, discover the Top 20 Shit Jokes ranked by our visitors, or submit your own. New jokes are added regularly, and all advertising and shop profits support Macmillan Cancer Support, in memory of the care they gave my parents.
The Best Shit Jokes
- What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
- I had my leg X-rayed today. The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'. I said: 'Inch-high knees?' He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高
- Why was the computer cold? Because it left all it's windows open.
- What do you call a couple who love fishing? Rod & Annette
- Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.…
- I lost my watch at a party last night. An hour later, I saw some guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a woman. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him…
- Pink Panther's To Do list: To do To do To do, to do to do, To do, to doooooo...
- A Polish friend of mine is a roadie for a band. I have a Czech one too. Czech one. Czech one too.
- My sister works for British Gas. Do you wanna meter?
- Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Latest Shit Jokes
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
What does an escalator do when it’s broken
Why can’t T Rex clap?
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
Wanna know what makes me smile?
Guess who I saw today?
Where do surfers go for an education?
What do you call a dog that does magic?
What do you call a sleeping bull
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
My doctor said I had to stop
My doctor said I had to stop masturbating.
I asked, “why?”
He said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea
How did the dog get all A’s on its report card?
How did the dog get all A’s on its report card?
It was the teacher’s pet.
What did the Policemen say to his belly button
What did the Policemen say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
A man is standing in a park, knocking his forehead into the trunk of a tree
A man is standing in a park, knocking his forehead into the trunk of a tree, repeatedly.
A policeman comes up to him and asks: “What the hell are you doing that for?”
The man says: “To keep the lions away!”
The policeman says: “Are you crazy? There aren’t any lions in these parts!”
The man says: “You’re welcome!”
What do you give to a man that has everything
What do you give to a man that has everything?
Penicillin.
Why did the vet give the dog a contraceptive pill
Why did the vet give the dog a contraceptive pill?
It was part of an anti-litter campaign.
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