One-liner Jokes

A good one-liner is a thing of beauty. A properly shit one-liner is something better. Below are 98 of them, accumulated over a decade of writing, collecting, and reluctantly admiring. Some are puns, some are absurd, all are designed to be over in roughly the same time it takes you to groan. Share your favourite via the menu above, or submit one of your own.

Where do surfers go for an education?

September 18, 2026 By Tom

Where do surfers go for an education?

Boarding school.

How did the dog get all A’s on its report card?

August 12, 2026 By Tom

How did the dog get all A’s on its report card?

It was the teacher’s pet.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity

July 19, 2026 By Tom

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

Parallel lines have so much in common

July 19, 2026 By Tom

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest

July 19, 2026 By Tom

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me

July 19, 2026 By Tom

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

July 17, 2026 By Tom

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

I told my computer I needed a break

July 5, 2026 By Tom

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won’t stop sending me Kit Kat ads.

I was going to tell a sodium joke

July 2, 2026 By Tom

I was going to tell a sodium joke, then I thought, “Na.”

I wrote a song about a tortilla

June 30, 2026 By Tom

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games

June 28, 2026 By Tom

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.

He said Wii.

I was driving in Germany and thought I found a deadly snake on my windscreen

June 26, 2026 By Tom

I was driving in Germany and thought I found a deadly snake on my windscreen. Turns out it was just a vindscreen viper.

Did you hear the one about the guy who ate a frog?

June 20, 2026 By Tom

Did you hear the one about the guy who ate a frog?

They think he’s going to croak.

I made a pencil with two erasers

June 18, 2026 By Tom

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes

June 18, 2026 By Tom

I started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We’re trying to get our first gig.

I heard a joke about amnesia

June 15, 2026 By Tom

I heard a joke about amnesia, but I can’t remember how it goes.

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

June 2, 2026 By Tom

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

To hide their butt-quacks.

One of Arthur's Favourites

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?

May 31, 2026 By Tom

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?

He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen.

Before the crowbar was invented

May 28, 2026 By Tom

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

What’s the best way to get to the hospital after breaking your foot?

May 26, 2026 By Tom

What’s the best way to get to the hospital after breaking your foot?

Tow truck.

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