shitjokes – Tom's Shit Jokes

My friends started seeing someone called Rosemary

May 27, 2023 By Tom

My friends started seeing someone called Rosemary.

I don’t know what he season her.

I bought two gold bars the other day.I’ve always dreamed of an

April 22, 2023 By Tom

I bought two gold bars the other day.
I’ve always dreamed of an Au pair.

I accidentally sent a naked photo to everybody in my address book

February 22, 2023 By Tom

I accidentally sent a naked photo to everybody in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I’ve just joined a dating website for Arsonists…They send me new matches

January 14, 2023 By Tom

I’ve just joined a dating website for Arsonists…
They send me new matches every week!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have

January 12, 2023 By Domdom06

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says.
“Makes me glad I’m a penguin.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog’s bowl

October 12, 2022 By Tom

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog’s bowl.

I said I never knew he could bowl.

Went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread

October 2, 2022 By Tom

Went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread.

The birds were all over me!

What do you call a sleeping Bull?

June 23, 2022 By Tom

What do you call a sleeping Bull?

A Bulldozer.

What do you call a Panda with no teeth?

June 22, 2022 By Tom

What do you call a Panda with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

June 21, 2022 By Tom

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!

Apparently comedian, Jack Dee’s daughter, Ellie is very bright!

May 16, 2021 By Tom

Apparently comedian, Jack Dee’s daughter, Ellie is very bright!

My friend was telling me that he’d failed his exam in Aboriginal

February 17, 2021 By Tom

My friend was telling me that he’d failed his exam in Aboriginal music.

I said, “Did ya redo it?”

My neighbour banged on the wall at 3am this morning, can you

January 11, 2021 By Tom

My neighbour banged on the wall at 3am this morning, can you believe that!?!
Luckily I was still up playing music.
He banged and shouted “Can we have a little respect please”
So I shouted back, “oh I’m a big Erasure fan, so this one’s for you”!

I’ve decided to release a Christmas record called “Duvet know it’s Christmas”.It’s

November 25, 2020 By Tom

I’ve decided to release a Christmas record called “Duvet know it’s Christmas”.
It’s a cover version.

A guy walks in to a pet shop and says to the

October 28, 2020 By Tom

A guy walks in to a pet shop and says to the shopkeeper, “I’d like to buy a wasp please.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’m sorry, we don’t sell wasps.”

The guys says, “But you’ve got one in the window!”

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge

August 22, 2020 By Tom

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I just won bronze in the national tanning championships

August 18, 2020 By Tom

I just won bronze in the national tanning championships.

I don’t know if this is a scam or not, but I’ve

August 8, 2020 By Tom

I don’t know if this is a scam or not, but I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show.

It then said press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

A Priest an Imaam and a Rabbit go to the blood donor

July 9, 2020 By DOMINIC LIDDELL

A Priest an Imaam and a Rabbit go to the blood donor centre.

The Rabbit says “I think I might be a Type O”

I taught my dog to play the trumpet

April 19, 2020 By DOMINIC LIDDELL

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

She went from Barking to Tooting in 40 minutes.

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